Rugby

Rugby is, of course, one of the manliest sports on the face of the planet. Unlike Football, where protective padding is used to shield players from harm, Rugby players don’t need any form of protection whatsoever. They simply hit each other over and over and over again. It’s rather fascinating to watch 30 grown men repeatedly run into each other, without any apparent rhyme or reason, and that’s the beauty of Rugby.

Well, running into each other for group hugs!
Well, running into each other for group hugs!

Now, you might be thinking this sounds a bit dangerous. After all, you can’t not be concerned about the mental state of players who are constantly running into each other. But that’s the best part of Rugby. Unlike the brains and brawn combination that is American Football, Rugby has embraced the sheer animal nature of competition, attracting athletic hulks who… well… you can see for yourself…

 

 

It’s kind of like boxing, but with 30 people all punching each other in the face instead of just two! My personal theory is that Britain has formed a sort of divergent society, where the intelligent magicians rise to the top to play soccer, wowing the crowds with their supernatural brilliance, and the modern day cavemen sink to the bottom, providing average citizens with the cheap thrills Americans expect from an episode of Jersey Shore.

Tennis

As far as Tennis is concerned, I don’t have anything noteworthy to say. Tennis is a beautiful, elaborate, skill-based sport that combines incredible focus with tremendous endurance. An elite tennis player must be equally intelligent, athletic, and resolute: a true competitor in every sense of the word.

I suppose this is why British tennis players have won only 14 major tournaments in the last 75 years… out of a possible 600! For comparison, Americans have won over 220 major tournaments in that time period. 220 vs. 14

And perhaps most ironically of all, American tennis players have won 70 Wimbledon titles at Britain’s own world-famous tennis tournament in the last 75 years. How many have the Brits won? Lol… 4.

It’s a great sport. We are just much MUCH better at it.

andy-murray-wimbledon-fail
British tennis player

Cricket

And last but not least, we have Cricket. What a lovely name “Cricket.” In Anthony’s previous article, he commented on the masculine nature of American team names, such as the “Cardinals.” But I must admit, “Cricket” really takes the cake… er, ah… crumpet… in eliciting sheer masculinity.

So what is Cricket? Well apparently, it involves a rubber ball and a stick. It’s essentially make-shift, backyard baseball for grown-ups, but using a K-mart bouncy ball… or something like that. According to a website highlighting Cricket facts, the sport used to be “considered a child’s game, not to be played by serious adults.” Obviously, with all the magical people playing Soccer, and the cavemen playing Rugby, something had to be left for the seriously average adults to play. Why not Cricket?

So that’s pretty much it. Hopefully, I’ve given you some valuable insight into the magical world of British sport. And if you haven’t had the opportunity to catch a supernatural soccer match, it’s seriou… oh wait, maybe that’s what’s going on…

 

soccer-sniper

 

15 COMMENTS

  1. Very good sir. I will engage with your article and discuss the inaccuracies later. In the meantime, I need to watch a game of Operatic Kickball. Or Soccer, as everyone else calls it outside of my Island-With-Many-Names

  2. “Unlike the brains and brawn combination that is American Football…”
    I love that comment. It’s just a shame that 1 in 10 college graduates at the University of North Carolina have the reading age of a 3rd grader and that the university had to invent fake classes to ensure their athletic students could graduate 😉

    • Yeah the intelligence level of many college athletes is pretty pathetic. Any worse and we’re drifting into Rugby territory…

  3. God bless America (and by America I mean the United States of America) not those two free loader countries that are lucky to be our neighbors.

    A well written assessment of the former empire’s sporting abilities. Well done.

    • The interview is hilarious!! The guy isn’t British though; he’s Irish. I think the concept of UK/GB/Ireland is a little hard for most Americans to understand 😉

      • Haha I was hoping that would fly under the radar, but the point was more about Ruby than British Rugby players persay 😉

      • I smell a red herring. Or did you just ad hominem to the discussion? No wonder the poor boy was a so discombobulated. He is playing rugby and dealing with the lingering effects of his country having been oppressed under the genocidal rule of the Brythonic Celtic Empire. God bless the poor man.

        • Of course it was ‘ad hominem.’ We have a history of executing kings and queens in our part of the world!

  4. OK sir, a response.

    1. The players you have in GIFs falling over are almost all non-Brits. Apart from Gareth Bale, who is Welsh, a big girl who played for my team and got a bad reputation for diving because in the UK we hate it. He has since left to play for a Spanish team where he can fall over all day long.

    2. You say Football values both brain and brawns. However, people can get scholarships despite being stupid, just so they can play college football. Clearly brawn is championed.

    3. Cricket is not played with a rubber ball, but in fact a leather ball with a wooden core. Try hitting that with a heavy willow bat when it’s hurled at you at 100 mph, on the bounce, with spin and swing, so you can’t judge the angle. Also, it’s OK in cricket to throw the ball at the Batter. If it hits them and they are standing in the wrong place, they are out. Broken ribs mean nothing. Out is out.

    4. Rugby is 80 minutes without breaks. 15 men, physically battering each other constantly. No respites or downs or intervals every 60 seconds like football. No padding. You can gouge and rake your cleats on someone if they are on the floor. It’s all fair game. Historically, it was actually a rich mans sport so until recently, many players were amateurs and were in fact in the Armed Forces, or Solicitors or other professionals.

    5. No-one cares about Tennis. Unless you have a pony. Or it’s Wimbledon, in which case we care until Andy Murray loses. He surprised us last year.

  5. as a longtime rugby player, i can assure you that intelligence is needed more in rugby than in any other sport, american or otherwise.

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