Rugby is, of course, one of the manliest sports on the face of the planet. Unlike Football, where protective padding is used to shield players from harm, Rugby players don’t need any form of protection whatsoever. They simply hit each other over and over and over again. It’s rather fascinating to watch 30 grown men repeatedly run into each other, without any apparent rhyme or reason, and that’s the beauty of Rugby.
Now, you might be thinking this sounds a bit dangerous. After all, you can’t not be concerned about the mental state of players who are constantly running into each other. But that’s the best part of Rugby. Unlike the brains and brawn combination that is American Football, Rugby has embraced the sheer animal nature of competition, attracting athletic hulks who… well… you can see for yourself…
It’s kind of like boxing, but with 30 people all punching each other in the face instead of just two! My personal theory is that Britain has formed a sort of divergent society, where the intelligent magicians rise to the top to play soccer, wowing the crowds with their supernatural brilliance, and the modern day cavemen sink to the bottom, providing average citizens with the cheap thrills Americans expect from an episode of Jersey Shore.
As far as Tennis is concerned, I don’t have anything noteworthy to say. Tennis is a beautiful, elaborate, skill-based sport that combines incredible focus with tremendous endurance. An elite tennis player must be equally intelligent, athletic, and resolute: a true competitor in every sense of the word.
I suppose this is why British tennis players have won only 14 major tournaments in the last 75 years… out of a possible 600! For comparison, Americans have won over 220 major tournaments in that time period. 220 vs. 14
And perhaps most ironically of all, American tennis players have won 70 Wimbledon titles at Britain’s own world-famous tennis tournament in the last 75 years. How many have the Brits won? Lol… 4.
It’s a great sport. We are just much MUCH better at it.
And last but not least, we have Cricket. What a lovely name “Cricket.” In Anthony’s previous article, he commented on the masculine nature of American team names, such as the “Cardinals.” But I must admit, “Cricket” really takes the cake… er, ah… crumpet… in eliciting sheer masculinity.
So what is Cricket? Well apparently, it involves a rubber ball and a stick. It’s essentially make-shift, backyard baseball for grown-ups, but using a K-mart bouncy ball… or something like that. According to a website highlighting Cricket facts, the sport used to be “considered a child’s game, not to be played by serious adults.” Obviously, with all the magical people playing Soccer, and the cavemen playing Rugby, something had to be left for the seriously average adults to play. Why not Cricket?
So that’s pretty much it. Hopefully, I’ve given you some valuable insight into the magical world of British sport. And if you haven’t had the opportunity to catch a supernatural soccer match, it’s seriou… oh wait, maybe that’s what’s going on…